Thoughts of A Single Mom

As I grow, learn, and change

Comfort of Home

I never thought I would say this but being at my parents house makes me feel better.  I dont know if its the faccct that people are around and the house is liveeely and I can get a bit of a break from the cub or what but I feel less lonely, less, depressed, and just less of how I have been feeling lately.  My mother and I don’t have the best relationship but she has been johnny on the spot and for some reason that has elated and surprised me.

Looking online I found that I think I have mild depression.  Before the cub I kept myself so busy and occupied that I didn’t have time to think about being lonely or depressed.  It was on days I had nothing to do I felt it.  Most folks loved down time, I hated it.  Now that I have my cub, my downtime is different.  He can entertain himself for about 10 minutes at a time and there is stuff to do at home that will always take up time but I just dont feel like doing it all the time (who does).  I love playing with him and trying new things with him but he is a little guy so his attention span is like that!

Going to   my parents house though seems to bring out the best in us both.  I can walk out the door for a minute without the cub and know he s cared for.  I can take a nap and know he will be ok.  I feel like the burden of my life is not just mine alone that i actually have help and that makes me feel so much better. The cub has his grandpa all to himself and he can come play with me then go play with my sister, then go play with grandpa and walk pass grandma.  He loves having people around him so this is good for him as well.  I was talking to my mom today and I let her know everything thats going on.  She didn’t condem me or any of the things I feared she would do.  She was a mom.  Who knew that as a mom, I would still need my mom.  Who knew she wanted to be needed.  I feel better but now to deal with this whole depression deal.  I do not want to take medicine as I feel like such a failure already even having this issue.  Taking medicine will just say to me, you can’t even control your own mind.  I know thats the wrong way to look at it and that there arer those that are truly fighting deep depression and other mental health demons.  I am in no way saying all those millions of people are failures.  I’m saying I feel like one.  I’m saying Im supposed to be able tohandle my llife.  This is how I feel about me.  I’m supposed to be in control (or as much control as God lets me have) and I should be able to fix it. The fact that I can’t by myself is what bothers me the most. When I or the cub gets sick, I need to know that I can fix it that I can cure it or that given the right instructions, I can make it better.  My fear is one day I am going to hear that I can’t fix it or medicine can’t fix it and all I can do is manage it.  I fear that some illness is going to take me from my son or vice versa.  I dont know where this fear comes from or why it exists.  If I can just fix or cure the fear, I think I will be better.  If I can fix or cure the loneliness I think I will be better.  If I can just fix or cure all my issues, I know I will be better.  However that’s not reality for anyone.  I’m just glad i can go home so to speak and just escape my fears if only for a little while and relax.  Maybe when I relax I can hear God speaking to me and telling me what I’m supposed to do next.

 

Im listening Lord and i will be in a place both physically and mentally to hear.  I will be in the comforts of my parents home.

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A Mothers Worry

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Does a mother ever not worry?  I worry about my cub because he can’t really speak and tell me what’s wrong or if something is bothering him.  I have a friend that worries about her daughter because she’s at an age where she is very impressionable and she wants to make sure that she is giving her the foundation to make sound decisions.  Yet another that has just sent her youngest off to college and her worry has increased as she says she remembers her college days.  Last friend has a grown child that has kids of his own.  She now worries about her child and his children.  As a mother you worry if what you are doing is correct?  If that yelling episode gonna scar them so bad that they become these horrible people, that if you try your very best if they still won’t turn out like the riff raff (you hear about them on the news doing all kinds of foolishness).  You worry about their health, their education, their happiness, their mental and spiritual growth.  You worry about it all.  I worry about it all the time; every  millisecond of the day.  I’m not complaining though.  I love my cub with everything I have.  He is my reason for breathing as I never knew I would EVER feel like this.  So yes I will worry but the love I see when I look in his eyes makes all the worry worth it.  It goes with the territory, its part of being a mom.

I’m loving being a mom

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My Saturday Musings

Image*deeeeeeep breath* Nothing is really wrong I just feel………………off.  Left the house today after being semi productive but still felt……………………………off.  My sister came over (mooching off my internet) and I didn’t feel so off.  I think when I’m around those that I’m closes to, I feel, kinda, normal.  I know my cub is the best thing since sliced bread but I think I need to etch out adult time, or just plain ole time for me.  The thing is he’s at daycare M – F, I feel horrible trying to drop him somewhere else on the weekend.  There are times when it can’t be avoided but overall I don’t feel good about it.  This is the point where being a single mom sucks monkey balls.  It’s one thing to walk out the house and your child is with its father, its another to pack a bag, get him dressed, drop him off, pick him up and all of that.  By the time all that happens, I’d rather not just go.

I’ve been saying for awhile I need a different set of friends: friends that are single moms; friends that have toddlers; friends that are working moms.  Hell I just need some friends Lol

Tomorrow is church and to let him expend some energy, I found a toddler friendly playroom where I’m gonna take him to let him just run, jump, and play.  I’m trying to figure out now what I’m putting in the slow cooker so that when we get home finally, dinner will be ready.

But I’m facing another toddler issue, he doesn’t want to eat!  He will be running around saying eat, eat but when I give him the things he usually eats, he doesn’t.  All he wants is fruit and potatoes and juice and milk.  That’s not balanced!!!    When I try to force him, it just gets worse and he screams bloody murder.  At that point I give!  Any advice?

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Life’s Passion

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So I’m sitting here thinking about what I would change in my life.  Really there isn’t much material things I would change.  I mean more money would be great, a bigger house will be great but its not exactly necessary.  What I would change is I would find out what my passion is.  I have no idea what it is.  I love teaching (adults not kids) and I taught online before but I think I want to go into it deeper like on a college level.  I don’t know if its a passion though.  I made gift bags and baskets at one point in life and i enjoyed it but don’t think it was a passion.  I like arts and crafts  but again don’t know if its a passion.  It relaxes me but I can’t say its the one thing I just loooooove to do.

I know so many people that say they love their jobs as they were doing what they were born to do.  Yeh that’s so not me.  I like what I do and of course I’ve gotten used to things like food, a place to live, clothes and all those other things so I deal with the stuff about it I don’t like.  I would love to be able to take time to figure out what it is but as a mom there really isn’t much time for that especially being a mom to a toddler.  Maybe I should take some classes of various things to see if there is something that will interest me enough for me to say its a passion.

I thought about going to school for nursing then my mother reminded me that I freak out at the sight of blood.  I do and I hate needles.  I thought about going back to be a lawyer and yeh no I think I would just like the letters behind my name more than anything.  I even thought about going back to be a massage therapist.  I mean the quietness, the zen feel and all of that.  Yeh no.  Touching random people, again not my thing.  So I’m going to look at the junior colleges in my area and see what classes they offer and what interests me and take one and go from there.  At the most it will give me a new skill, relax me, give me some ME time away from the cub and make me a better mommy and person in the long run.

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High Mommy Expectations

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I realize that the expectations I put on myself as a mom are so high that I can’t help but disappoint myself.  Every illness he gets, i think its my fault.  Every illness I get, my first reaction is to worry if he will get it.  I want to make him a wel rounded guy that has seen or been exposed to as many things ass possible.  I need to realize that all he really wants is me.  

I had a boil on my knee and I freaked out.  Was it something I did?  Is my house not clean enough? Could I pass something on to him?  Luckily I’m very open and candid with my doctor and she told me to relax that no mother can stop everything no matter how hard she tried.  That feeling like i have to fix it or protect him from the world is what causes a great deal of my anxiety.  Plus I do still have some post partum.  Go figure.

I know eing a single mom makes me feel like I have to over compensate for being the only parent.  I try to make sure he does something fun just about every day.  Days it doesn’t happen (like today as I don’t feel so good with a jacked up knee) I feel guilty like i’m depriving him of some way.

My ideals as a mom was to give tons of love, let him know how loved, important, special and wanted he is.  I want him to feel secure in himself and in who he is.  I want him to say he has traveled and had family vacations.  i want him to be smart and enjoy school.  I want him to understand that there is a higher being (he can choose his own religion as he gets older).  I want him to respect everyone else and their choices even if they don’t line up with what he feels.  I want him to be a free thinker and I never wanna hear that I’m a mean mommy.  I want him to always have positive thoughts of me.  Tall order I know and I need to just be happy knowing that he is a happy little boy and we are in the place we need to be at this time.  

I’m so determined to right some of the wrongs of my childhood that I’m creating wrongs for his childhood. I’m going to just relax and enjoy the moment.  He brings me so much joy and he makes my heart sing that I don’t want to miss a minute of his journey.  I have to get my anxiety and fear in check so that I can not only be a physical presence but also an emotional and mental presence as well. 

Is there such a thing as the perfect mother?

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Joined Church

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We joined church today.  I’ve visited this church times  and wasn’t sure if this is where I was supposed to be as I had planned to visit a few others.  However this morning (even thought we were late) I was moved to go to the front and join the church.  I feel happy that this is a good place to raise my child (at least until I move to a new city).  I’m happy, and feeling at peace.

So I knew I was going to church today as I needed to get my insides feeling more at ease.  Woke up late like at the time we would usually be getting dressed to go.  So I had to feed the cub, get me together, get him together and make sure we had enough snacks to get him through the entire service.  Left the house 10 minutes after service started.  It’s only a 15 minute drive so I was ok with being a little late.  Well traffic was great but the exit I needed was backed up for an extra 20 minutes, not to mention having to find parking.  Needless to say I only heard about roughly 30 minutes of the service.  That’s ok as some was better then none and I refused to be deterred this morning.

I’ve been sick all weekend and didn’t really do much but I knew I was doing this!  Thank you sweet baby Jesus!  

I’m serious about getting my spiritual house in order.

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Blessing of God-Parents

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I must say I have chosen some wonderful people to be the God-parents of my cub.  I knew I was going to be a single mom and I wanted to make sure he had a village, a real village to help in making him a well rounded person.  I chose 2 married couples and my bff.

Yesterday he went to God-daddy day care for the day and my cubby had a ball!  He went to the beach, played in the sand and water, ate fruit, played with his god brothers, rode the train and had an all around good time.  I am so thankful that this set is just as into education as I am.  Even while he was playing and having a good time, he was practicing his alphabet and his numbers.

I was told that you have to be very careful of the type of people you consistently have around your children as those are the people they may look to first to be their role model.  I wanted to make sure there were good people.  People who have achieved good things but have also seen some other things.  If he can’t come and talk to me about a girl issue, he has 2 god-fathers that he can go to and between the two of them, they’ve seen and experienced it all.  He has some unofficial god-parents as well.  They pick him up from daycare when I’m running late; they keep him overnight on those rare occasions I let him go (I’m still an overprotective mom) and they just give him that male bonding time that he needs.  I am truly truly grateful to these people.  It means a lot to ask someone to be a god-parent cause in essence you’re asking them to help you raise your child and if the unfortunate happens, to continue raising your child in your absence.  I know I need to make sure I get guardianship papers completed and signed and finish up this whole will/trust before he gets too big.  Not that I expect or want anything to happen but tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone and I want to be prepared.  That’s just being a responsible parent.

If you have great god-parents for your children, let them know you appreciate them.  If you are a god-parent and you are fabulous, know that parent or parents really and truly appreciate you.  If your god-parents aren’t the greatest, sit down with them and discuss what it is you need from them, expect from them and so forth.  They may not be sure of their role.  I’m glad I had the discussion while I was still pregnant so everyone knew from day 1 what it meant to be a part of the cubs life!

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Sick Ramblings

So I’m trying to organize parts of my home as I organize my life.  Just like my life,  this closet is taking a lot more energy then I realized!!!!!  I’m sick so that isnt’ helping.  However no matter how sick I am, I will be at church tomorrow.  Hopefully folks won’t look at me too strange while I cough.  I’m determined to get my spiritual self in order.  My days seem to just feel better when that happens.  I have made some progress but as I make progress the house just looks worse!!  There realize is some semblance of organization in this chaos.  I think I may ask my sister to come by tomorrow to keep the cub busy so I can truly get some stuff done!

So he tried out his new daycare and would you believe my extra picky person ate everything else the other kids ate.  I was super shocked and surprised.  My kid doesn’t eat macaroni and cheese but he did at daycare.  i have to all but shove veggies down his throat but he did with them.  May have to bring those kids to my house for daily meals.  I think I’ve made a good decision on this day care.  Yes its costing more money and they talking about cutting our money but I have to do what’s best for my cub.  No he’s not going to the place that costs $1300 a month, but he will be at a place that I feel (I hope I’m right about this) will help give him the foundation he needs.

I wanted to be more productive today then I was but again my sinus, allergy, cold issue has gotten me beat down so the most I did was feed the cub, put food in my mouth (i can’t taste nor smell a thing) and keep his bottom clean and dry.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Decisions, decisions

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I’m a better person than I realize.  I have my flaws of course and of course I’m better then no one else but I’m better then I give myself credit for.  I’m smart, i think I’m cute, need to lose a few pounds but I’m not morbidly obese.  I care about those around me and i have a genuine good heart.  I need to remember those things when the negative self talk pops in my head.  I’m not sure whose voice it is that’s doing the talking but they need to shut the hell up!

Are there things I would change?  Yes.  My confidence level, my financial situation and possibly where I live.  I want to move from my city.  As much as I love it, I need a break, change of pace, a fresh start of sorts.  Just wanna grab my baby, pack a uhaul and just go.  What’s stopping me?  Fear.  Fear that I won’t make any friends, that I won’t be able to survive, that I won’t have a job, that I will be and feel more alone then I do right now.  Whose to say those things will happen?  No one but that damn voice that won’t shut the hell up.  As long as I have my cub I really have no reason to stay.  Granted the organizations I belong to need me (yeh right) but they are all nationwide so I can find a chapter for each in every major metropolis.  

I’ve been wanting to leave for a long time now.  At least 7 years I’ve been wanting to just pack a bag and be out.  What do I think will be different?  I don’t know.  I think breathing new air and leaving stuff and people behind will give me a chance to spread my true wings and be me and just live without fear of retribution or judgment or any of that stuff that stops us from doing things in a room full of people we know.

I’m going to pray on it.  I was going to move to Texas some years back but fear stopped that too.  Went and found a place to stay, put money down but hadn’t found a job.  I knew one person already there and the other person was moving with me.  Both of the folks were female as we were all making this change kinda together.  My mother was so against it and just assumed I was gay.  Not that I have anything against those that are but I was pissed and offended that she would say such a thing.  I mean really all because I want to move and the folks I knew just so happen to be female?  Wow.  To keep those thoughts from spreading through my family I just said forget it and stayed.  I kinda regret that decision to this day.

 

So what to do?  If I move will my anxiety and fear and paranoia follow me?  Will it show up again and make things worse?  I don’t know but I’m feeling like I really need to give it a try, before the cub gets old enough to feel like he is leaving friends.

So you all are my witnesses, my supporters, my encouragers.  One year from today I’m to get my financial house in order so that I can move out of my city to someplace new.  We will see how that goes.

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Mothers and Daughters Part 1

The mother/daughter relationship is intricate and complex (hmm means the same thing doesn’t it).  You have mothers and daughters that are more like best girlfriends then on the other spectrum you have mothers and daughters that mix like oil and fire – very combustible.  My relationship with my mom is somewhere in the middle but a bit further to the right.

She had me young and from what I can remember of my childhood she was a good mom.  We  had great Christmas’, I spent the summers out of state with my aunt, I had friends over or I was at friends homes.  Things were good until I got about 12.  I remember going to the store with $20 to get some stuff for the house.  Somewhere in the six blocks from the house to the store or in the store I lost the $20.  I spent about 2 hours looking in every nook and cranny for it.  I eventually had to go back home and tell her what happened.  She beat the wholly hell out of me.  I wound up with a black eye and had to stay out of school for 3 days.  That was the beginning of our end.  She was always a cussing woman.  It was nothing to hear cussing in our house daily, good mood or bad mood; that’s just who she is.  However again at 12 I became all kinds of bitches and motherfuckers.

When I got to high school I wanted to be able to dress like all the other girls and do what they did.  However if my mother wasn’t strict before (I mean at 10 I was riding my bike through the neighborhood without anyone asking where I was going or what I was doing as long as I made it back home by street light time- good ole days); she turned into a warden once I got to high school.  By then I had siblings and the best way to keep me in the house was to have to be the primary caregiver of said siblings.  That means no homecoming game, dance, no after school activities.  None of that.  All that was just a dream for me.  When I tried going places with friends, I had to take the siblings with.  What group of 13 year olds do you know ant to have a 6 and 3 year old with them?  None so I mostly stayed home.  Now I know part of t his was a fear that I would repeat her pattern and have a child early.  If she had ever thought to ask or talk to me she would have known that having sex was the FURTHEST thing from my mind.  I liked boys but quite frankly, sex scared me.  All I had ever heard was that it hurt!  My grades were horrible my first two years in high school.  That was the only place I had a little bit of freedom.  I was too busy enjoying some type of freedom instead of worrying about grades and such.  Needless to say, I spent those entire two years on some form of punishment or another.

Junior year of high school I transferred and things were still the same.  Luckily the type of school I went to there weren’t any sporting events or all the things that traditional schools had (went to a business high school) so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.  However I would ditch the new school to attend homecoming for the old school.  I came clean and told her about it afterwards and the punishment was well worth it as I had a ball. Only real difference is my grades were much better.  I didn’t want to transfer so there was nothing to do but do the work.  Plus by this being a business school, we knew senior year we would  be able to get jobs and go to school half the day and work the other half.  I wanted good grades so that there was no reason I couldn’t get a job!

Senior year I got a boyfriend (the summer before senior year actually) and a job!  Hot damn I was happy.  My first paycheck was $175. I was rolling in the dough, or so I thought.  My mother politely took $75 from me as now I had to give her $100 each paycheck but she cut me a break since my first check wasn’t that much.  I now was responsible for my own clothing (business high school meant business clothing) and carfare to school.  She was robbing me blind.  I had a little more freedom but still not much.  I was so ready to go away to school I didn’t know what to do.

Once I graduated she burst my bubble and told me there was no way on God’s green earth was she signing for me to go anywhere but the schools here in the city.  WHAT?!  What the hell?! This was so not part of the program. I’m still stuck?  So what else to do but what I was told (I had always done what I was told and just talked shit in my head).  My first year of college still felt like high school cause again I wasn’t involved in any activities or anything.  I went to school and went to work and got robbed by my mother.  I remember the first time I filed my taxes and just knew I was getting a refund check back.  Once she said she still claimed me, my refund check dropped to like $300 which she politely took half of.  My second year of college is a ghost.  Why?  Well financial aid told me I had to pay because my income plus my mothers income made me ineligible for financial aid grants.  She wasn’t about to come up off a dime.  So again I asked could I go away to school.  Answer was still no.  Alright, I’ll fix this.  I can’t go away, I won’t go anywhere.  Yep that’s right, I dropped out for a year.  I did nothing  but go to work.  Just because I now had my days free didn’t mean that I was getting more hours.  I mean every now and again I did but since I was home I had to really keep up with the siblings (by this time another was added) plus cook, clean and all the rest.  I had been doing this all along anyway so it wasn’t anything new.  I cooked more for my siblings then she did.  It got so bad that I went to the hospital for a week and they wouldn’t eat because she didn’t cook things the way I cooked things.  It’s a shame when a mother has to ask her child what her other children like to eat as she didn’t know.

Well after my year of rebellion I secretly applied to two different away colleges.  I got accepted to both!  I was home so I got the mail first.  I had financial aid, housing, book voucher and the whole nine yards.  I started purchasing things and still hadn’t told her a thing.  Finally in like July I told her I was going away to school.  Talk about someone pissed.  She didn’t really speak to me for over a month.  The best month ever.  She still bitched.  She would walk through the house saying what she had to say but it was never directed at me per se.  It was about me, but not said to me.  I didn’t care all I knew was I was out of there!

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