Thoughts of A Single Mom

As I grow, learn, and change

A Mothers Worry

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Does a mother ever not worry?  I worry about my cub because he can’t really speak and tell me what’s wrong or if something is bothering him.  I have a friend that worries about her daughter because she’s at an age where she is very impressionable and she wants to make sure that she is giving her the foundation to make sound decisions.  Yet another that has just sent her youngest off to college and her worry has increased as she says she remembers her college days.  Last friend has a grown child that has kids of his own.  She now worries about her child and his children.  As a mother you worry if what you are doing is correct?  If that yelling episode gonna scar them so bad that they become these horrible people, that if you try your very best if they still won’t turn out like the riff raff (you hear about them on the news doing all kinds of foolishness).  You worry about their health, their education, their happiness, their mental and spiritual growth.  You worry about it all.  I worry about it all the time; every  millisecond of the day.  I’m not complaining though.  I love my cub with everything I have.  He is my reason for breathing as I never knew I would EVER feel like this.  So yes I will worry but the love I see when I look in his eyes makes all the worry worth it.  It goes with the territory, its part of being a mom.

I’m loving being a mom

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My Saturday Musings

Image*deeeeeeep breath* Nothing is really wrong I just feel………………off.  Left the house today after being semi productive but still felt……………………………off.  My sister came over (mooching off my internet) and I didn’t feel so off.  I think when I’m around those that I’m closes to, I feel, kinda, normal.  I know my cub is the best thing since sliced bread but I think I need to etch out adult time, or just plain ole time for me.  The thing is he’s at daycare M – F, I feel horrible trying to drop him somewhere else on the weekend.  There are times when it can’t be avoided but overall I don’t feel good about it.  This is the point where being a single mom sucks monkey balls.  It’s one thing to walk out the house and your child is with its father, its another to pack a bag, get him dressed, drop him off, pick him up and all of that.  By the time all that happens, I’d rather not just go.

I’ve been saying for awhile I need a different set of friends: friends that are single moms; friends that have toddlers; friends that are working moms.  Hell I just need some friends Lol

Tomorrow is church and to let him expend some energy, I found a toddler friendly playroom where I’m gonna take him to let him just run, jump, and play.  I’m trying to figure out now what I’m putting in the slow cooker so that when we get home finally, dinner will be ready.

But I’m facing another toddler issue, he doesn’t want to eat!  He will be running around saying eat, eat but when I give him the things he usually eats, he doesn’t.  All he wants is fruit and potatoes and juice and milk.  That’s not balanced!!!    When I try to force him, it just gets worse and he screams bloody murder.  At that point I give!  Any advice?

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Life’s Passion

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So I’m sitting here thinking about what I would change in my life.  Really there isn’t much material things I would change.  I mean more money would be great, a bigger house will be great but its not exactly necessary.  What I would change is I would find out what my passion is.  I have no idea what it is.  I love teaching (adults not kids) and I taught online before but I think I want to go into it deeper like on a college level.  I don’t know if its a passion though.  I made gift bags and baskets at one point in life and i enjoyed it but don’t think it was a passion.  I like arts and crafts  but again don’t know if its a passion.  It relaxes me but I can’t say its the one thing I just loooooove to do.

I know so many people that say they love their jobs as they were doing what they were born to do.  Yeh that’s so not me.  I like what I do and of course I’ve gotten used to things like food, a place to live, clothes and all those other things so I deal with the stuff about it I don’t like.  I would love to be able to take time to figure out what it is but as a mom there really isn’t much time for that especially being a mom to a toddler.  Maybe I should take some classes of various things to see if there is something that will interest me enough for me to say its a passion.

I thought about going to school for nursing then my mother reminded me that I freak out at the sight of blood.  I do and I hate needles.  I thought about going back to be a lawyer and yeh no I think I would just like the letters behind my name more than anything.  I even thought about going back to be a massage therapist.  I mean the quietness, the zen feel and all of that.  Yeh no.  Touching random people, again not my thing.  So I’m going to look at the junior colleges in my area and see what classes they offer and what interests me and take one and go from there.  At the most it will give me a new skill, relax me, give me some ME time away from the cub and make me a better mommy and person in the long run.

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High Mommy Expectations

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I realize that the expectations I put on myself as a mom are so high that I can’t help but disappoint myself.  Every illness he gets, i think its my fault.  Every illness I get, my first reaction is to worry if he will get it.  I want to make him a wel rounded guy that has seen or been exposed to as many things ass possible.  I need to realize that all he really wants is me.  

I had a boil on my knee and I freaked out.  Was it something I did?  Is my house not clean enough? Could I pass something on to him?  Luckily I’m very open and candid with my doctor and she told me to relax that no mother can stop everything no matter how hard she tried.  That feeling like i have to fix it or protect him from the world is what causes a great deal of my anxiety.  Plus I do still have some post partum.  Go figure.

I know eing a single mom makes me feel like I have to over compensate for being the only parent.  I try to make sure he does something fun just about every day.  Days it doesn’t happen (like today as I don’t feel so good with a jacked up knee) I feel guilty like i’m depriving him of some way.

My ideals as a mom was to give tons of love, let him know how loved, important, special and wanted he is.  I want him to feel secure in himself and in who he is.  I want him to say he has traveled and had family vacations.  i want him to be smart and enjoy school.  I want him to understand that there is a higher being (he can choose his own religion as he gets older).  I want him to respect everyone else and their choices even if they don’t line up with what he feels.  I want him to be a free thinker and I never wanna hear that I’m a mean mommy.  I want him to always have positive thoughts of me.  Tall order I know and I need to just be happy knowing that he is a happy little boy and we are in the place we need to be at this time.  

I’m so determined to right some of the wrongs of my childhood that I’m creating wrongs for his childhood. I’m going to just relax and enjoy the moment.  He brings me so much joy and he makes my heart sing that I don’t want to miss a minute of his journey.  I have to get my anxiety and fear in check so that I can not only be a physical presence but also an emotional and mental presence as well. 

Is there such a thing as the perfect mother?

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Joined Church

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We joined church today.  I’ve visited this church times  and wasn’t sure if this is where I was supposed to be as I had planned to visit a few others.  However this morning (even thought we were late) I was moved to go to the front and join the church.  I feel happy that this is a good place to raise my child (at least until I move to a new city).  I’m happy, and feeling at peace.

So I knew I was going to church today as I needed to get my insides feeling more at ease.  Woke up late like at the time we would usually be getting dressed to go.  So I had to feed the cub, get me together, get him together and make sure we had enough snacks to get him through the entire service.  Left the house 10 minutes after service started.  It’s only a 15 minute drive so I was ok with being a little late.  Well traffic was great but the exit I needed was backed up for an extra 20 minutes, not to mention having to find parking.  Needless to say I only heard about roughly 30 minutes of the service.  That’s ok as some was better then none and I refused to be deterred this morning.

I’ve been sick all weekend and didn’t really do much but I knew I was doing this!  Thank you sweet baby Jesus!  

I’m serious about getting my spiritual house in order.

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Blessing of God-Parents

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I must say I have chosen some wonderful people to be the God-parents of my cub.  I knew I was going to be a single mom and I wanted to make sure he had a village, a real village to help in making him a well rounded person.  I chose 2 married couples and my bff.

Yesterday he went to God-daddy day care for the day and my cubby had a ball!  He went to the beach, played in the sand and water, ate fruit, played with his god brothers, rode the train and had an all around good time.  I am so thankful that this set is just as into education as I am.  Even while he was playing and having a good time, he was practicing his alphabet and his numbers.

I was told that you have to be very careful of the type of people you consistently have around your children as those are the people they may look to first to be their role model.  I wanted to make sure there were good people.  People who have achieved good things but have also seen some other things.  If he can’t come and talk to me about a girl issue, he has 2 god-fathers that he can go to and between the two of them, they’ve seen and experienced it all.  He has some unofficial god-parents as well.  They pick him up from daycare when I’m running late; they keep him overnight on those rare occasions I let him go (I’m still an overprotective mom) and they just give him that male bonding time that he needs.  I am truly truly grateful to these people.  It means a lot to ask someone to be a god-parent cause in essence you’re asking them to help you raise your child and if the unfortunate happens, to continue raising your child in your absence.  I know I need to make sure I get guardianship papers completed and signed and finish up this whole will/trust before he gets too big.  Not that I expect or want anything to happen but tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone and I want to be prepared.  That’s just being a responsible parent.

If you have great god-parents for your children, let them know you appreciate them.  If you are a god-parent and you are fabulous, know that parent or parents really and truly appreciate you.  If your god-parents aren’t the greatest, sit down with them and discuss what it is you need from them, expect from them and so forth.  They may not be sure of their role.  I’m glad I had the discussion while I was still pregnant so everyone knew from day 1 what it meant to be a part of the cubs life!

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Sick Ramblings

So I’m trying to organize parts of my home as I organize my life.  Just like my life,  this closet is taking a lot more energy then I realized!!!!!  I’m sick so that isnt’ helping.  However no matter how sick I am, I will be at church tomorrow.  Hopefully folks won’t look at me too strange while I cough.  I’m determined to get my spiritual self in order.  My days seem to just feel better when that happens.  I have made some progress but as I make progress the house just looks worse!!  There realize is some semblance of organization in this chaos.  I think I may ask my sister to come by tomorrow to keep the cub busy so I can truly get some stuff done!

So he tried out his new daycare and would you believe my extra picky person ate everything else the other kids ate.  I was super shocked and surprised.  My kid doesn’t eat macaroni and cheese but he did at daycare.  i have to all but shove veggies down his throat but he did with them.  May have to bring those kids to my house for daily meals.  I think I’ve made a good decision on this day care.  Yes its costing more money and they talking about cutting our money but I have to do what’s best for my cub.  No he’s not going to the place that costs $1300 a month, but he will be at a place that I feel (I hope I’m right about this) will help give him the foundation he needs.

I wanted to be more productive today then I was but again my sinus, allergy, cold issue has gotten me beat down so the most I did was feed the cub, put food in my mouth (i can’t taste nor smell a thing) and keep his bottom clean and dry.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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Decisions, decisions

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I’m a better person than I realize.  I have my flaws of course and of course I’m better then no one else but I’m better then I give myself credit for.  I’m smart, i think I’m cute, need to lose a few pounds but I’m not morbidly obese.  I care about those around me and i have a genuine good heart.  I need to remember those things when the negative self talk pops in my head.  I’m not sure whose voice it is that’s doing the talking but they need to shut the hell up!

Are there things I would change?  Yes.  My confidence level, my financial situation and possibly where I live.  I want to move from my city.  As much as I love it, I need a break, change of pace, a fresh start of sorts.  Just wanna grab my baby, pack a uhaul and just go.  What’s stopping me?  Fear.  Fear that I won’t make any friends, that I won’t be able to survive, that I won’t have a job, that I will be and feel more alone then I do right now.  Whose to say those things will happen?  No one but that damn voice that won’t shut the hell up.  As long as I have my cub I really have no reason to stay.  Granted the organizations I belong to need me (yeh right) but they are all nationwide so I can find a chapter for each in every major metropolis.  

I’ve been wanting to leave for a long time now.  At least 7 years I’ve been wanting to just pack a bag and be out.  What do I think will be different?  I don’t know.  I think breathing new air and leaving stuff and people behind will give me a chance to spread my true wings and be me and just live without fear of retribution or judgment or any of that stuff that stops us from doing things in a room full of people we know.

I’m going to pray on it.  I was going to move to Texas some years back but fear stopped that too.  Went and found a place to stay, put money down but hadn’t found a job.  I knew one person already there and the other person was moving with me.  Both of the folks were female as we were all making this change kinda together.  My mother was so against it and just assumed I was gay.  Not that I have anything against those that are but I was pissed and offended that she would say such a thing.  I mean really all because I want to move and the folks I knew just so happen to be female?  Wow.  To keep those thoughts from spreading through my family I just said forget it and stayed.  I kinda regret that decision to this day.

 

So what to do?  If I move will my anxiety and fear and paranoia follow me?  Will it show up again and make things worse?  I don’t know but I’m feeling like I really need to give it a try, before the cub gets old enough to feel like he is leaving friends.

So you all are my witnesses, my supporters, my encouragers.  One year from today I’m to get my financial house in order so that I can move out of my city to someplace new.  We will see how that goes.

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My Monday ramblings

I didn’t have therapy today and I was really looking forward to it.  I got there late as I got off work later then planned and with the weather, traffic just was not on my side.  We got there 20 minutes too late and my fab therapist was already gone.  Missing church and missing therapy is not a good thing BUT I remember all the things I’ve learned and I can make it until Sunday (church) and next monday (my next therapy session).

Overall I’m good though.  I worry about my cub of course and hope I’m making the best decisions and choices but I think I’m doing a good job.  I don’t necessarily get confirmation but I feel it in my spirit that I’m doing ok.

So the point of this post.  Post partum depression.  It’s a real situation.  If you know someone that has had a baby in the past two years, please check on them.  Post partum will get you to a point where you don’t know if you coming or going.  It’s more then just crying or worrying.  It’s the feeling of wanting to run and just get away from everything and then 2 seconds later you feel guilty.  You feel guilty for wanting to run, you feel guilty for not being able to give the child what you think they need, you feel guilty because you feel like a bad mom for no other reason then just because.  My cub’s first 2 weeks, I cried every day.  Each and every day.  Every time I looked at him to tell him I love him I cried.  I truly loved him but he was so small and I was so alone and I was so scared of doing something wrong.  The first three months of his life I took him to the doctor every week.  I was sure I had done something wrong or something wasn’t right or something was something.  I don’t run to the doctor as much as I have gotten better.  I have the bills to show how many times I ran to the emergency room.  Now I’ve truly gotten better we only go if his temp is great!  I do have a tendency to pack an overnight bag when we do go as I don’t plan to leave until I get definitive answers.  I realize I feel better as a mom when my cub is sick if its something I can fix.

I don’t think I have post partum as bad as I did in the beginning but I do feel like there some lingerings of it.  Again, I’m a work in progress in all areas, mother, woman, daughter (long story with that), sister, sister-friend.  Just everything is progress.

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My downside of being a single mom

I’m feeling some kind of way.  I had a good time yesterday for a minute.  It felt good to be around my people and help out the community.  However there was a slight downside.  It was a family friendly event and we were encouraged to bring our families.  Well my family is my little cub.  He finally got there (had a relative keep him for the first few hours) and was doing what toddlers do (what he is doing now) running around and being a little loud.  At home I just let him be but since we were not at home I was following behind him to made sure he doesn’t mess with anything or hurt himself.  One of the other members I guess was irritated by him and said she had some childrens benadryl.  I was really offended by that statement.  I’m supposed to drug my child and all he is doing is what toddlers do?  A few other folks laughed thinking it was funny but judging by some of the looks right before she said it, he and I were being discussed.  Not long after, we left.  So much for sisterhood.

Today he is a little bit sick.  I thought it was a chest cold but it seems to be more allergy and sinus then anything.  It’s times like this I hate being a single mom.  There is no one there to share the worry with, to share the responsibility with.  It’s just me.  This is the hard part of being a single mother as everything falls only on you. I know I am hyper paranoid when it comes to him.  That’s a work in progress but I deal with it alone because other folks are gonna say “oh stop worrying” or “snap out of it he fine”.  Logically I know that but emotionally I don’t feel that.  When he sick, I don’t sleep nor eat.  I feel like him being sick is somehow my fault. Those aren’t good things for me because that means I am stressed.  Being stressed can make me have an outbreak.  Hell I already feel like I’m feeling something daily!  I feel tingles everywhere and I know that isn’t the case as I never see anything.

God again I come to you as humbly as I can and I pray and ask for Peace.  Peace of mind, peace of spirit, and peace of heart.  I apologize now for worry and doubt but I’m having faith in you Lord that you know best and that all of this is for the betterment of me.  I am trying to have faith that I will feel like my old self again soon but will be wiser from having gone through this.  Lord I give you so many thanks and so much praise. I know if I ask for these things in your name Lord, you will answer my prayer.  Lord heal my body.  Keep me free of sickness and illness.  Help me to manage my stress so that it doesn’t cause me further physical complications.  You know Lord I want to be here for my son as I want to be the one that raises him.  I want to have all the things I need to be the best mom for him that You will have me be.  In your name Jesus I say thank you.

 

I missed church today as I was so concerned with my cub that I went to the minute clinic instead of church.  I need my spirit filled as right now I’m feeling empty and broken.  Once again broken.  I feel so broken from so many different aspects and eras of life.  I pray my pieces are put together again soon.

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