Thoughts of A Single Mom

As I grow, learn, and change

Comfort of Home

on August 30, 2012

I never thought I would say this but being at my parents house makes me feel better.  I dont know if its the faccct that people are around and the house is liveeely and I can get a bit of a break from the cub or what but I feel less lonely, less, depressed, and just less of how I have been feeling lately.  My mother and I don’t have the best relationship but she has been johnny on the spot and for some reason that has elated and surprised me.

Looking online I found that I think I have mild depression.  Before the cub I kept myself so busy and occupied that I didn’t have time to think about being lonely or depressed.  It was on days I had nothing to do I felt it.  Most folks loved down time, I hated it.  Now that I have my cub, my downtime is different.  He can entertain himself for about 10 minutes at a time and there is stuff to do at home that will always take up time but I just dont feel like doing it all the time (who does).  I love playing with him and trying new things with him but he is a little guy so his attention span is like that!

Going to   my parents house though seems to bring out the best in us both.  I can walk out the door for a minute without the cub and know he s cared for.  I can take a nap and know he will be ok.  I feel like the burden of my life is not just mine alone that i actually have help and that makes me feel so much better. The cub has his grandpa all to himself and he can come play with me then go play with my sister, then go play with grandpa and walk pass grandma.  He loves having people around him so this is good for him as well.  I was talking to my mom today and I let her know everything thats going on.  She didn’t condem me or any of the things I feared she would do.  She was a mom.  Who knew that as a mom, I would still need my mom.  Who knew she wanted to be needed.  I feel better but now to deal with this whole depression deal.  I do not want to take medicine as I feel like such a failure already even having this issue.  Taking medicine will just say to me, you can’t even control your own mind.  I know thats the wrong way to look at it and that there arer those that are truly fighting deep depression and other mental health demons.  I am in no way saying all those millions of people are failures.  I’m saying I feel like one.  I’m saying Im supposed to be able tohandle my llife.  This is how I feel about me.  I’m supposed to be in control (or as much control as God lets me have) and I should be able to fix it. The fact that I can’t by myself is what bothers me the most. When I or the cub gets sick, I need to know that I can fix it that I can cure it or that given the right instructions, I can make it better.  My fear is one day I am going to hear that I can’t fix it or medicine can’t fix it and all I can do is manage it.  I fear that some illness is going to take me from my son or vice versa.  I dont know where this fear comes from or why it exists.  If I can just fix or cure the fear, I think I will be better.  If I can fix or cure the loneliness I think I will be better.  If I can just fix or cure all my issues, I know I will be better.  However that’s not reality for anyone.  I’m just glad i can go home so to speak and just escape my fears if only for a little while and relax.  Maybe when I relax I can hear God speaking to me and telling me what I’m supposed to do next.

 

Im listening Lord and i will be in a place both physically and mentally to hear.  I will be in the comforts of my parents home.


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