Thoughts of A Single Mom

As I grow, learn, and change

Decisions, decisions

on August 16, 2012

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I’m a better person than I realize.  I have my flaws of course and of course I’m better then no one else but I’m better then I give myself credit for.  I’m smart, i think I’m cute, need to lose a few pounds but I’m not morbidly obese.  I care about those around me and i have a genuine good heart.  I need to remember those things when the negative self talk pops in my head.  I’m not sure whose voice it is that’s doing the talking but they need to shut the hell up!

Are there things I would change?  Yes.  My confidence level, my financial situation and possibly where I live.  I want to move from my city.  As much as I love it, I need a break, change of pace, a fresh start of sorts.  Just wanna grab my baby, pack a uhaul and just go.  What’s stopping me?  Fear.  Fear that I won’t make any friends, that I won’t be able to survive, that I won’t have a job, that I will be and feel more alone then I do right now.  Whose to say those things will happen?  No one but that damn voice that won’t shut the hell up.  As long as I have my cub I really have no reason to stay.  Granted the organizations I belong to need me (yeh right) but they are all nationwide so I can find a chapter for each in every major metropolis.  

I’ve been wanting to leave for a long time now.  At least 7 years I’ve been wanting to just pack a bag and be out.  What do I think will be different?  I don’t know.  I think breathing new air and leaving stuff and people behind will give me a chance to spread my true wings and be me and just live without fear of retribution or judgment or any of that stuff that stops us from doing things in a room full of people we know.

I’m going to pray on it.  I was going to move to Texas some years back but fear stopped that too.  Went and found a place to stay, put money down but hadn’t found a job.  I knew one person already there and the other person was moving with me.  Both of the folks were female as we were all making this change kinda together.  My mother was so against it and just assumed I was gay.  Not that I have anything against those that are but I was pissed and offended that she would say such a thing.  I mean really all because I want to move and the folks I knew just so happen to be female?  Wow.  To keep those thoughts from spreading through my family I just said forget it and stayed.  I kinda regret that decision to this day.

 

So what to do?  If I move will my anxiety and fear and paranoia follow me?  Will it show up again and make things worse?  I don’t know but I’m feeling like I really need to give it a try, before the cub gets old enough to feel like he is leaving friends.

So you all are my witnesses, my supporters, my encouragers.  One year from today I’m to get my financial house in order so that I can move out of my city to someplace new.  We will see how that goes.


3 responses to “Decisions, decisions

  1. jazzytower says:

    Just start doing what you want, in the end yours is the only opinion that counts. You have only one life, so live it!!

    • Thank you! I’m trying to do what I want but make sure its in the best interest of the cub as well. I do need to start living as I think I’ve just been existing! I do appreciate your words. You have no idea how much.

  2. shelconnors says:

    Don’t let fear hold you back from being you and from making you happy!! (I know it’s easier said than done). Your family should support you and maybe once they realize what your doing is for YOU (and your cub), they will 🙂 Good luck sweetie!

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