Thoughts of A Single Mom

As I grow, learn, and change

Mothers and Daughters Part 1

on August 15, 2012

The mother/daughter relationship is intricate and complex (hmm means the same thing doesn’t it).  You have mothers and daughters that are more like best girlfriends then on the other spectrum you have mothers and daughters that mix like oil and fire – very combustible.  My relationship with my mom is somewhere in the middle but a bit further to the right.

She had me young and from what I can remember of my childhood she was a good mom.  We  had great Christmas’, I spent the summers out of state with my aunt, I had friends over or I was at friends homes.  Things were good until I got about 12.  I remember going to the store with $20 to get some stuff for the house.  Somewhere in the six blocks from the house to the store or in the store I lost the $20.  I spent about 2 hours looking in every nook and cranny for it.  I eventually had to go back home and tell her what happened.  She beat the wholly hell out of me.  I wound up with a black eye and had to stay out of school for 3 days.  That was the beginning of our end.  She was always a cussing woman.  It was nothing to hear cussing in our house daily, good mood or bad mood; that’s just who she is.  However again at 12 I became all kinds of bitches and motherfuckers.

When I got to high school I wanted to be able to dress like all the other girls and do what they did.  However if my mother wasn’t strict before (I mean at 10 I was riding my bike through the neighborhood without anyone asking where I was going or what I was doing as long as I made it back home by street light time- good ole days); she turned into a warden once I got to high school.  By then I had siblings and the best way to keep me in the house was to have to be the primary caregiver of said siblings.  That means no homecoming game, dance, no after school activities.  None of that.  All that was just a dream for me.  When I tried going places with friends, I had to take the siblings with.  What group of 13 year olds do you know ant to have a 6 and 3 year old with them?  None so I mostly stayed home.  Now I know part of t his was a fear that I would repeat her pattern and have a child early.  If she had ever thought to ask or talk to me she would have known that having sex was the FURTHEST thing from my mind.  I liked boys but quite frankly, sex scared me.  All I had ever heard was that it hurt!  My grades were horrible my first two years in high school.  That was the only place I had a little bit of freedom.  I was too busy enjoying some type of freedom instead of worrying about grades and such.  Needless to say, I spent those entire two years on some form of punishment or another.

Junior year of high school I transferred and things were still the same.  Luckily the type of school I went to there weren’t any sporting events or all the things that traditional schools had (went to a business high school) so I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.  However I would ditch the new school to attend homecoming for the old school.  I came clean and told her about it afterwards and the punishment was well worth it as I had a ball. Only real difference is my grades were much better.  I didn’t want to transfer so there was nothing to do but do the work.  Plus by this being a business school, we knew senior year we would  be able to get jobs and go to school half the day and work the other half.  I wanted good grades so that there was no reason I couldn’t get a job!

Senior year I got a boyfriend (the summer before senior year actually) and a job!  Hot damn I was happy.  My first paycheck was $175. I was rolling in the dough, or so I thought.  My mother politely took $75 from me as now I had to give her $100 each paycheck but she cut me a break since my first check wasn’t that much.  I now was responsible for my own clothing (business high school meant business clothing) and carfare to school.  She was robbing me blind.  I had a little more freedom but still not much.  I was so ready to go away to school I didn’t know what to do.

Once I graduated she burst my bubble and told me there was no way on God’s green earth was she signing for me to go anywhere but the schools here in the city.  WHAT?!  What the hell?! This was so not part of the program. I’m still stuck?  So what else to do but what I was told (I had always done what I was told and just talked shit in my head).  My first year of college still felt like high school cause again I wasn’t involved in any activities or anything.  I went to school and went to work and got robbed by my mother.  I remember the first time I filed my taxes and just knew I was getting a refund check back.  Once she said she still claimed me, my refund check dropped to like $300 which she politely took half of.  My second year of college is a ghost.  Why?  Well financial aid told me I had to pay because my income plus my mothers income made me ineligible for financial aid grants.  She wasn’t about to come up off a dime.  So again I asked could I go away to school.  Answer was still no.  Alright, I’ll fix this.  I can’t go away, I won’t go anywhere.  Yep that’s right, I dropped out for a year.  I did nothing  but go to work.  Just because I now had my days free didn’t mean that I was getting more hours.  I mean every now and again I did but since I was home I had to really keep up with the siblings (by this time another was added) plus cook, clean and all the rest.  I had been doing this all along anyway so it wasn’t anything new.  I cooked more for my siblings then she did.  It got so bad that I went to the hospital for a week and they wouldn’t eat because she didn’t cook things the way I cooked things.  It’s a shame when a mother has to ask her child what her other children like to eat as she didn’t know.

Well after my year of rebellion I secretly applied to two different away colleges.  I got accepted to both!  I was home so I got the mail first.  I had financial aid, housing, book voucher and the whole nine yards.  I started purchasing things and still hadn’t told her a thing.  Finally in like July I told her I was going away to school.  Talk about someone pissed.  She didn’t really speak to me for over a month.  The best month ever.  She still bitched.  She would walk through the house saying what she had to say but it was never directed at me per se.  It was about me, but not said to me.  I didn’t care all I knew was I was out of there!

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